The Lamanite Speaketh

I have a very strange and overwhelming obsession with Mormonism and Mormons yet I do not believe in their doctrine. Not even a little. I think Joseph Smith was a hustler and a con man.

That said, much about the culture appeals to me and I almost always like the people. Their peculiar beliefs strike me as more optimistic than those of mainline Christian denominations. Sadly, nothing shy of dementia would permit me to believe most of what they do.

If you think about it, nothing about LDS beliefs sound any more bizarre than mainstream Christianity.

The saviour of man was born to a virgin and is one of three components that make the godhead. He was born so that he could die on the cross and be resurrected three days later to save the souls of mankind. During his life, he brought the dead to life, turned water into wine and walked on water. Heaven does not have levels and is open to all who accept him as their lord and saviour.

versus....

Jesus is the saviour of mankind on planet earth. Humans had a premortal existence that they don't remember. When you die, almost everyone goes to one of three levels of heaven. Families can be together for all eternity and a righteous man and his wife/wives can populate their own planet in the hereafter. Jesus traveled to the Americas after his resurrection.

Both sound pretty BSC, I think. I could never be a Mormon because I'm free spirited and willing to acknowledge relevancy in belief systems aside from my own. I'm also 1/2 Native American and my DNA cannot, I assure you, be traced to Israel. I love my coffee and wine and my nose stud isn't going anywhere.

Also, there's the part about the founder of the religion being a malignant narcissist with delusions of grandeur. Still, three levels of heaven and forever families? Nice idea, Joe. If only it wasn't completely dreamt up by a regular swindler.

I like the whole cultural part of Mormonism; the tribal aspect of it all. They all seem so happy with family-centered lives. Plus, I love jello.

I'm also not necessarily opposed to polygamy. Yeah, I know the LDS do not practice that anymore but it's a big part of their history. I'm not talking about Warren Jeffs style polygamy but I could totally be one of the wives on Big Love. Spcifically, Nicki. I am such a Nicki.

If only they didn't kill Bill.