Mormon?

There is an alternate reality where I am a happy happy Mormon. My husband is a returned missionary and we have at least 3 kids and live in a cute house in a SLC suburb or possibly Boise. My husband bought me a fancy camera that I don't really know how to use and I'm very active with the Relief Society. In this dimension, my hair is white blonde and I buy a lot of clothing from Shabby Apple. I am not employed in any traditional sense though I love MLM "opportunities". My vehicle is a Honda Odyssey. I'm still 5'8", however.

In the dimension from which I'm writing this goofy post, I'm about as far from Mormon as one can get. I smoke, drink, am not chaste, watch vulgar movies & television, drink coffee like a fiend, have tattoos & invoke the saints when I feel like I need a little guidance. I live in a loft in a suburb right smack in the middle of Dallas & Fort Worth & have plans to move to New Orleans. I am dating a Hindu from Chennai and we have no plans for marriage. I limited my procreating to 2 kids. My nose is pierced and I'm very skeptical of MLM "opportunities". I have a professional job with a giant multinational company. My vehicle is a Kia Soul.

One of my guilty pleasures/pseudo-secrets is my bizarre obsession with Mormons. While I feel strongly that their church sanctioned plan for living would be a terribly bad fit for me, something about it is alluring. The constant life derailments that have comprised my 33 years on this planet have me longing for a road map. As my own navigational skills seem to be lacking, Mormonism would provide that compass.

All of my investigations into the religion thus far have not convinced me there is a grain of truth to the foundations of their beliefs. I could never join them without a sincere testimony and that is something my research will not allow me to gain. At least not at this point in my life....

That said, I have a real fondness for Mormons and their culture. I'm obsessed with Mormon Mommy Blogs & The Bloggernacle. I imagine myself like those women and while a piece of me dies... part of me feels a great sense of relief. They are a bewildering attraction that inspires very mixed emotions.

Those LDS bitches really have it all figured out.

The Lamanite Speaketh

I have a very strange and overwhelming obsession with Mormonism and Mormons yet I do not believe in their doctrine. Not even a little. I think Joseph Smith was a hustler and a con man.

That said, much about the culture appeals to me and I almost always like the people. Their peculiar beliefs strike me as more optimistic than those of mainline Christian denominations. Sadly, nothing shy of dementia would permit me to believe most of what they do.

If you think about it, nothing about LDS beliefs sound any more bizarre than mainstream Christianity.

The saviour of man was born to a virgin and is one of three components that make the godhead. He was born so that he could die on the cross and be resurrected three days later to save the souls of mankind. During his life, he brought the dead to life, turned water into wine and walked on water. Heaven does not have levels and is open to all who accept him as their lord and saviour.

versus....

Jesus is the saviour of mankind on planet earth. Humans had a premortal existence that they don't remember. When you die, almost everyone goes to one of three levels of heaven. Families can be together for all eternity and a righteous man and his wife/wives can populate their own planet in the hereafter. Jesus traveled to the Americas after his resurrection.

Both sound pretty BSC, I think. I could never be a Mormon because I'm free spirited and willing to acknowledge relevancy in belief systems aside from my own. I'm also 1/2 Native American and my DNA cannot, I assure you, be traced to Israel. I love my coffee and wine and my nose stud isn't going anywhere.

Also, there's the part about the founder of the religion being a malignant narcissist with delusions of grandeur. Still, three levels of heaven and forever families? Nice idea, Joe. If only it wasn't completely dreamt up by a regular swindler.

I like the whole cultural part of Mormonism; the tribal aspect of it all. They all seem so happy with family-centered lives. Plus, I love jello.

I'm also not necessarily opposed to polygamy. Yeah, I know the LDS do not practice that anymore but it's a big part of their history. I'm not talking about Warren Jeffs style polygamy but I could totally be one of the wives on Big Love. Spcifically, Nicki. I am such a Nicki.

If only they didn't kill Bill.